Chapter Twenty-four - I Don't Know Any Better
These past two weeks, I hit a limit.
The limit of time.
My body and mind were still going, yet I had run out of time to offer myself.
I had committed to a lot. It's a time of year when several businesses call upon me to support their offerings, alongside all my own commitments and sharings. Life became very full, and still, I was in demand.
I grew up with two parents, although not together, who worked and worked. I remember one of the questions I was often faced with as a child was, "What are you going to do for work?" Followed closely by, "And how much does that pay?"
I know they were simply doing what they believed was best to support me, but somewhere along the way, I became conditioned to believe that my work and salary reflected my value.
Today, my relationship with money has changed, yet my ambition and drive to work have not. And I'm beginning to question whether this is really serving me.
On one side, I love to work, create and offer. If I could do it all the time, I would. Yet on the other, the people closest to me are telling me I'm doing too much.
It becomes confusing when the reflection you're being shown goes against everything you've ever known, everything you've ever done, and everything you continue to do.
How do you change something you've been doing your whole life?
A friend said to me the other day, "All you have to do is stop."
And this, I simply don't understand.
Stop my passion? My dreams? My reality?
I become so confused when people say this, because what seems so simple to them feels almost impossible to me.
Then last night, my sister said, "It's great you're achieving so much. You've always been this way!" ( said with so much love)
What way? Overambitious, determined, am i self-absorbed?
It's confusing when you can see both sides of the coin, yet all you wish for is to remain balanced somewhere in the middle.
Sometimes I feel no one truly understands how difficult it is for me to just stop. Because the truth is, I don't want to.
Yet I can also see and feel how hard my body and mind are working.
One part of me says, "You have the energy now, you should be doing all these things."
And another quietly reminds me, "Yes, but don't push yourself too far."
Finding that balance is so difficult when all you're really trying to do is everything you love.
The hardest part is that I don't feel like I'm doing anything wrong. I'm following what I love, creating what I believe in and offering what I can. Yet somewhere amongst it all, I seem to be forgetting to leave space for myself.
And I wonder, when does something we love so deeply begin to take more from us than it gives?
I've spent so much of my life learning how to work hard, how to keep going and how to achieve, that I don't think I've ever really learnt how to do less.
I know how to fill my time, but do I know how to leave it empty?
I know how to give myself to others, but do I know how to give that same time to myself?
I'm beginning to understand that finding balance isn't about stopping everything I love. It's about accepting that I cannot do everything I love, all at once.
And this is where I find myself now, somewhere between the person I've always been and the person I'm still learning to become.
The truth is, I don't know any better.
But I'm beginning to realise that I need to learn.
