When Doubt Gives Way to Presence
Chapter Nine : Confidence
I often say that nervousness is simply excitement in disguise, yet I realise I had never truly questioned what it feels like to hold, or lose, confidence within oneself.
This past week was full. An offering that asked so much of us - time, dedication, and devotion - and in return, gave so much back. We shared our products, we performed with Mauna, and we connected with many beautiful souls. It was a deeply nourishing experience.
I was set to give a talk late Sunday, as the gathering drew to a close. As the time came closer, the excitement remained, yet something within began to shift. My confidence quietly faded, and in its place came doubt, fear, and hesitation.
After years of studying and embodying Ayurveda, it felt unfamiliar to stand there and feel so unsure. So unlike the steadiness this practice has cultivated within, a steadiness I know is there, even when it feels out of reach.
I spoke about simple and supportive ways to create lasting, profound change in the body and mind. Yet as I spoke, it felt as though my personality had stepped aside. I felt trapped in my own expression, unable to fully meet the moment.
It is interesting, because when I sit to sing during our kirtan offerings, something else takes over. The pressure dissolves. There is a surrender to the divine, a soft attunement to the present moment. The offering flows through, rather than from.
And yet, in other spaces, I find myself caught in thought. I lose touch with that same presence, and the flow of the moment feels blocked.
When we sing and a note comes out imperfectly, we do not hold onto it. We accept it, and we continue. But if the mind clings to that one moment, we carry it forward, and the mistakes begin to multiply. Only when we return to the present can the song move freely again.
Perhaps this is no different.
There is something gentle in recognising when we have stepped out of alignment. Not as something to judge, but something to learn from. Something that quietly guides us back.
Holding too tightly to any moment, whether beautiful or difficult, creates its own form of suffering. We either wish to relive it, or to change it. Both take us away from what is here.
This is a reminder to go gently with oneself. To soften in the missteps. They are not failures, but quiet teachers, guiding us back onto the path, if there is a willingness to listen.
